a brief conversation with a political commercial
please stop yelling at me
ANNOUNCER: … and that’ll bring the first quarter to a close with the Eagles down 31-3. We’ll be back after a short break.
[NFL music fades out, commercial begins]
HEY
oh no
DO YOU LOVE AMERICA
i mean, sure
WELL TOO BAD
oh god
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL
well, i was just at Wendy’s and things seemed ok th-…
LOOK AT THIS OUT-OF-CONTEXT CLIP WE FOUND AND GAVE A SCARY FILTER TO
okay, i don’t think that gives the full at-
THEY JUST WON’T STOP LYING
please stop yelli-
THESE CAREER POLITICIANS ARE OUT OF CONTROL
look, i don’t care for politicians much either but there’s something to be said for experie-
YOUR FAMILY IS GOING TO DIE
what
LOOK AT THIS GRAINY BLACK-AND-WHITE FOOTAGE WE FOUND
okay but what is that supposed to b-
SCARY MUSIC
what does this have to do with my fami-
GAS PRICES
hold on
THE TROOPS
one minute h-
BARK BARK BARK
wait was that a dog?
ANGRY DOGS IN THE STREETS
oh ok
COMMUNISM
what
OR FASCISM
hang on
BOTH
i think you might be losing the plot a little h-
HEY
[sighs] what
DO YOU LIKE MONSTER TRUCKS
… sure
WELL THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE THEM AWAY
who is?
THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS, BRIAN
wait how do you know my n-
BECAUSE THEY HATE AMERICA
is this really your platform?
MAYBE
i think there are more important things to focus on right n-
CRIME IS UP
is it though?
PROBABLY
what are you trying to do here buddy?
JUST TELL ME WHAT TO SAY
what
WHAT DO YOU HATE
i… i guess i don’t like when my neighbor mows his grass at 8am on the weekend but…
WELL THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE THAT THE LAW
what are y-
EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO MOW THEIR LAWN AT DAWN
i don’t see how that is even enforc-
THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE EVERYONE LOUDER LAWNMOWERS
can you stop
MONSTER TRUCK LAWNMOWERS
okay, first of all, that actually sounds cool, but i thought they were going to ban monster trucks?
THEY FLIP-FLOPPED AGAIN
jesus christ
IS THIS THE AMERICA YOU WANT
i could certainly do without these commercials
EVERYONE IS GOING TO STARVE AND BE MURDERED
ugggghhhh
AMERICA IS BEAUTIFUL INCORPORATED PAID FOR THIS ADVERTISEMENT
STUFF I TYPED
— Slow Horses Incompetence Index for Vulture, which I am probably having too much fun with
— my Five Spot newsletter, which opens with Batman and also features a section on a potential feud between Martha Stewart and Ina Garten
STUFF I CLICKED ON
— here’s a great blog about why the original pilot episode of Miami Vice absolutely shredded
— Ryan Nanni and Steven Godfrey are doing a podcast called Who Killed College Football? and you subscribe to that sucker right here
— big blog about the new superhero-satirizing show from the creator of Veep
— an update to last week’s newsletter: Richard Kind is still doing great
@interviewmag“Anything for my art.” 🧀 #richardkind samples a variety of cheeses at @Zabar’s for our September issue at the link in bio.
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— Swedish Marvel fans are having a great time for very silly reasons, which I approve of completely
— DETROITERS IS COMING TO NETFLIX
—David Letterman had more fun at jury duty than most people have at a waterpark
— “Grape Spill Causes Traffic Jam”
— the deep-sea biotwang mystery has been solved
— there are an unreasonable amount of black holes out there
— [Zack de la Rocha voice] squirrels on the train
— I would absolutely watch a Meg sequel with this real plot from the books
— they debunked the Blue Zones
That’s all for this week. Please share and subscribe and stop shouting at me.
