An Incomplete List Of People I Think Would Be Good In A 'Knives Out' Movie

In no particular order, except for the first one, which I believe with all of my heart...

Paul Giamatti

BENOIT BLANC: This act of moral turpitude was committed with a heinous disregard for the staff of this Bojangles restaurant.

PAUL GIAMATTI: [scoffs loudly]

Marshawn Lynch

I have wanted to cast him in every movie and TV show since I saw him steal every scene of Bottoms, and the idea of Daniel Craig doing a ridiculous Southern accent while questioning him about a murder makes me very happy.

Florence Pugh

Good in everything. Would be a terrific as, like, a rich lady with a dark secret who didn’t actually do the murder but looks guilty as hell the whole way through

Alexander Skarsgard

Looks great in sweaters. Not afraid to be a huge goofball. This one is almost too easy.

Aubrey Plaza

“But Brian,” you say. “Wasn’t Aubrey Plaza already in a Knives Out movie? It really feels like she was in a Knives Out movie.”

You’re right. It does feel like she was already in a Knives Out movie. But she wasn’t. You’re thinking of the time she was in The White Lotus. Common mistake.

Benicio del Toro

Benicio del Toro is a great actor with a long history of bringing charisma and depth to a range of characters, and I would love to see what he could come up with for a fun murder mystery, but it would also be okay with me if he just showed up as his Sensei character from One Battle After Another and helped Benoit Blanc figure out who committed a homicide.

Ethan Hawke

I am undoubtedly biased because I watched and loved The Lowdown this year and adored his performance as an idealistic bozo, but the nice thing about making your own list is that you’re allowed to be a little biased.

UPDATE: I forgot he appeared briefly in Glass Onion. It turns out the less-nice thing about making your own list is that you can forget lil cameos. This is why I should never have too much power.

Angela Bassett

BENOIT BLANC: Something ungodly occurred in the lavatory of this establishment, and I believe one of you can identify the culprit.

ANGELA BASSETT: [glares at him with the heat of 1000 suns]

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore would be incredible as the person who looked innocent the whole time but is then revealed to be the murderer in the final scene. Or as almost any other character. Julianne Moore rules.

Don Cheadle

Don Cheadle would be so good in a Knives Out movie.

DON CHEADLE WOULD BE SO GOOD IN A KNIVES OUT MOVIE.

Edi Patterson

Okay, look, technically Edi Patterson was already in the first Knives Out movie. I know that. But consider:

• That was before we really knew what kind of madness she could bring to a role, a la Judy Gemstone
• Jeremy Renner got to be in the third one even though “Jeremy Renner’s Hot Sauce” was a joke in the second
• I would like it

It’s settled.

Method Man

This is serious. I’m being serious. Method Man is a good actor. He just worked with Rian Johnson in the last season of Poker Face. Rian Johnson knows he is a good actor. This is not a jokey suggestion based on me seeing How High roughly a dozen times in my early 20s. This is real. It’s not like I’m saying Redman should be in a Knives Out movie.

Redman

Actually, no. I am also saying Redman should be in a Knives Out movie. Let Method Man and Redman help Benoit Blanc solve a murder. Put them on-screen with Giamatti. Let the people have a treat.

Ebon Moss-Bachrach

Very few people do intense exasperation like Ebon Moss-Bachrach, as you can see in almost any episode of The Bear, which is why it would probably be awesome to see him as a homicide detective who is relentlessly frustrated by Benoit Blanc’s methods.

Tony Dalton

I haven’t seen Tony Dalton in enough stuff since he played charisma-bomb Lalo Salamanca in Better Call Saul. He looks great in a suit. He would be a great mysterious billionaire.

Maya Erskine 

Maya Erskine is awesome. She was awesome in the Mr. and Mrs. Smith television series opposite Donald Glover, playing that mix of comedy and drama you need for a role in these movies. She should be more famous, or at least get offered a slew of good roles. Like this one. She would be awesome in a Knives Out movie.

Jesse Plemons

No further explanation needed.

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STUFF I CLICKED ON

— the Rob Reiner stuff is too sad for me to process but here are excellent tributes from Alan Sepinwall and Linda Holmes and Richard Lawson

— two good blogs from Vulture: an oral history of the bonkers live-action Grinch movie and a profile of Rhea Seehorn as Pluribus approaches its season one finale

— so many delicious lines in this takedown of the Mahomes-Kelce steakhouse 

— this is from January and I probably shared it back then but I read Caity Weaver on detoxing from sugar again this week so I’m just gonna link to it

— if I’m being fully transparent, Method Man made the list up there at least in part because I just watched him get interviewed by Pablo Torre and Dan LeBatard

— I am fascinated by the news that Vin Diesel is writing a Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots movie 

— I am also fascinated by the news that Vin Diesel wrote a role for Cristiano Ronaldo in the next Fast & Furious movie 

— yes, I will probably watch the Clue show

— yes, I will also probably watch the Vatican-set series from Robert and Michelle King

— maybe they’ll do an episode about the Pope’s new lawnmower

— Leonardo DiCaprio does not love AI

— Russell Crowe does not love Gladiator 2

— good blog for baseball dorks like me

— “A seal galumphs into a bar. The bartender says ‘Grab the salmon!’”

— “Cuter and closer: Raccoons may be on their way to becoming America's next pet”

— I am happy for this monkey

— gonna try this next time I show up at my doctor’s office

Okay, that’s it for this week. Please share and subscribe and... look, just let Redman and Paul Giamatti be in a Knives Out movie.