Christopher Nolan, If You Are Reading This, Please Direct The Final Fast & Furious Movie

Hello, Christopher Nolan. How are you doing? Well, I hope. I also hope you are taking a little break. The Odyssey was so good, and it seemed like a lot of work. You deserve some time for yourself. I almost feel guilty even bringing this up, in fact, only because I’m sure the last thing you want to think about is work.

But, as you know, opportunity waits for no one, not even a director as talented as you are. That said, I’ll be brief: I think you should consider directing the final Fast & Furious movie, scheduled to begin shooting later this year.

Allow me to explain…

I. The script made Vin Diesel cry

It all starts with the words on the page, and these words are now soaked with the tears of Vin Diesel. He said so in an Instagram post recently and reiterated it on a red carpet earlier this week. Here, look…

“I’m going to tell you something personal,” he said. “It was after four different writers, four years of development, and after I read the script, halfway through, one tear. By the end of the script that we crafted and worked so hard to make right for you after four years, I was crying. I couldn’t hold it back, and I had to tell everyone. And my sister said, ‘No more crying, bro.’ So I just want to say that sometimes, even the toughest guys in the world need to cry.”

I imagine you’ll want to take a spin through the script, too, maybe to punch it up or add your own little touches. That would be great! I do know you love a twisty little story. I suspect the mastermind behind Inception could really sink his teeth into a franchise where Ludacris plays a street racer who eventually went to outer space in a NoS-fueled Pontiac to save the world.

Think about it.

II. It looks like the movie might need a director ASAP

Louis Leterrier, who directed Fast X, which ended on a cliffhanger involving explosions and the guy who plays Reacher being a villain (another twist!), was supposed to direct this final installment. But, as he recently explained in an interview with Polygon, not only has he not read the script yet, he’s also kinda busy right now.

Here’s what he said when they straight-up asked him if he was still doing it.

"Not currently because I'm finishing another movie, but yeah," he said. "This franchise will have an ending. They built a ride!" he joked. "They have to finish it. Someone has to end it."

Hmm. That doesn’t sound like a guy who is planning to direct the final Fast & Furious movie. There is an opening here, if you are willing to act quickly.

III. Speaking of that Fast & Furious ride…

I saw this recently…

Are… are you a fan of the series already? Are you versed in the lore of the Family?? Or did you go into the ride blind and learn two-plus decades of backstory over the course of one ride on a roller coaster??? Either way, I’m sure it was a lovely experience. And just the thing a good director who wants to do for research to get a complete picture before signing up.

(UPDATE: Of course you are a fan! I am so sorry I forgot!)

You seem fully prepared to take on this challenge.

IV. You can probably cast Anne Hathaway if you want

I know you like putting her in your movies, between the Dark Knight trilogy and The Odyssey. Well, the Fast & Furious movies love adding decorated actresses to the cast! Helen Mirren showed up and raced a car. Brie Larson played a high-ranking intelligence officer. Charlize Theron had braids one time. (She might have mentioned it while you were making The Odyssey.) Anne would fit in perfectly.

Just off the top of my head, she could play…

• A famous street racer named Penny Beretta who was the prom date of Paul Walker’s character, who is, again, very much still alive and chilling at home in this franchise, even while his friends are risking their lives to save the world
• A Presidential candidate named Dina Miami who is fed up with these expensive secret missions and is hellbent on shutting them down
• Catwoman

But look at me telling you how to do your job.

V. I think you would enjoy it

The Odyssey seemed like a real challenge, with all the boats and monsters and era-appropriate wardrobe. Wouldn’t it be nice to just, like, blow some stuff up for a while? To say "action" and then watch 100 things explode? I know you have it in you. The Dark Knight movies were action flicks at their heart. This is kind of the same thing, except with more Corona and also somehow less realism than a franchise where a billionaire playboy fights crime while dressed like a bat and no one figures out it’s him even though his disguise only covers the half of his face that doesn’t prominently feature Christian Bale’s granite-chiseled jaw.

Sometimes Jason Statham and The Rock show up. It’s a good time.

Again, think about it.

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STUFF I CLICKED ON

— Sepinwall on the incredible longevity of Always Sunny, which premieres its 18th season this week

— the EDSBS crew wrote a completely deranged guide to college football that you can purchase for a reasonable price

— I will read every article about Coyote vs. Acme

— really great interview with Steve Way, the disabled actor who is stealing scenes in the Hulu series Furious, which I am way behind on but getting to this week

— spoilers galore, but here’s a great compilation of his character screwing with the cops, which I, as a fellow disabled rascal, enjoyed immensely 

— fascinating article on Tommy John

— John Oliver loves being on soap operas

— Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell seem cool

— Katie Baker with a killer blog about the weird stuff going on with former Lakers owner Mark Walter

— I AM SO MAD THEY CANCELED DELI BOYS

— cops busted up a cocaine ring that was run out of Penn State frat houses in a sting they called, I swear to god, “Operation Drugs Unlimited”

— Italian cheese crisis

— bing: “More Than 200 Golden Mozart Statuettes Stolen From Salzburg Months After Famed Composer’s 270th Birthday”

— bang: “Five Arrested in Connection to Stolen Works by Cézanne, Renoir and Matisse, Prosecutors Say”

— boom: “$10 Million in Gold Found Buried Under Former Brewery in Belgium”

— kid caught a piranha

— "So I was like, 'Okay, well, let's see if you can fight... and he couldn't'" is one of the coolest things anyone has said on the news, ever

Okay, that's it for this week. Please share and subscribe and have a nice day, Christopher Nolan.