The Theft Of Guy Fieri's Tequila Is Now A Matter Of National Importance

It seems like just yesterday that thieves stole about $1 million worth of tequila that was made by Guy Fieri and Sammy Hagar. I mean, it seems like just yesterday to me, at least. Maybe because I have thought about it once a week, minimum, since it happened almost 11 months ago. It’s still so fresh to me. “Hey,” I’ll think, usually out of nowhere, “remember when thieves stole about $1 million worth of tequila that was made by Guy Fieri and Sammy Hagar?” And then I’ll reply, “I sure do.” And then I’ll think, “Man, that’s pretty wild.” And then I’ll reply, “Hoo buddy, it sure was.” And then I’ll drift off into various daydreams about the two of them — again, Guy Fieri and Sammy Hagar — explaining it all to a very confused police officer until I remember I am DRIVING A CAR ON THE HIGHWAY OKAY BRIAN FOCUS.

The good news here is that I’m not the only one who has been thinking about it for the last 11 months. It has also been on the minds of the people who make 60 Minutes, apparently, because this segment aired on Sunday night after a full afternoon of NFL games.

Okay, a few notes:

• Kudos to whichever person at CBS connected the dots from “let’s do a big story on how sophisticated thieves around the country are rerouting trucks filled with various goods to steal their contents and sell them to buyers at a steep discount” to “let’s get Guy Fieri on camera to be the face of this story”
• It is honestly a little jarring to see a very serious-looking Guy Fieri on the same screen as the 60 Minutes logo
• Please stop here and picture Guy Fieri and Mike Wallace cruising around in a convertible and hitting various burrito spots in the Southwest

Incredible stuff, from top to bottom. I know I’m poking a little fun at this but it really is interesting information they’re presenting here. They even made helpful charts!

And they interviewed a former cop who is now an expert on these kinds of criminal enterprises, which I note here mostly because this is the analogy he used to describe the dangers of fully digital shipping operations.

Hmm. Pretty specific!

Anyway, look, I think we all know where this is headed. I think we all realize I’m going to post a lot of screencaps of Guy Fieri here, all of them with subtitles of the things he said during this legitimately serious and informative report, all of them useful to save in various folders to be deployed when, say, your beloved sports teams blow a couple games and are on the risk of seeing their entire season fall apart because THEY CAN’T GET A HIT WITH RUNNERS ON BASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Hmm. Also pretty specific!

Take it away, Guy!

Keep going.

Don‘t stop now.

Are you ready? Are you ready for the most useful and memeable screencap I’ve ever made? Are you, really? Because this one is gonna get used a lot. By me. And maybe other people. But definitely by me.

In conclusion:

• Thank you to Guy Fieri and 60 Minutes for these gifts
• Thank you, I guess, to the thieves, too, just for making it possible
• I really need Dick Wolf and the Law & Order people to get busy loosely fictionalizing this story so I can watch it and write a big stupid blog about that, too

Let’s keep this cycle going for at least another year.

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STUFF I CLICKED ON

— this blog at Defector — titled simply “Name A 28-Year-Old” — is so, so much fun to read

— Tyler Parker ranked good NBA names, and while I have some quibbles with the placements (Quincy Pondexter is way, way too low), I have great respect for the ambition 

— big long interview with Leonardo DiCaprio and Paul Thomas Anderson

— I enjoyed GQ’s deep investigation into amateur thieves who keep blowing up ATMs ($$$)

— let’s check in with The Lowdown, a show I continue to adore…

— everyone wants to be Batman, says man responsible for casting Batman

— people still get pretty weird about The Simpsons, apparently 

— Mariah Carey stands by the iconic “I don’t know her” meme, which I have no choice but to respect

— I did not care very much about the Scrubs revival until I heard they cast Vanessa Bayer, and now I care a little, at least

— Ontario salsa heist

— the lady who almost bungled her way into stealing Graceland was sentenced last week

— “Black swan nicknamed ‘Mr Terminator’ evicted from town after trying to drown local bird”

— I was recently introduced to the okbuddyseverance subreddit — for fans of the show who are exhausted with the far-fetched fan theories — and I really enjoy every part of it, from the name to the execution

— I am glad that the creator of Halt And Catch Fire – good show, btw – agrees with me that sending Angela Bassett to space is cool and good

Okay, that's it for this week. Please subscribe and share and try not to steal Guy Fieri's tequila.