There Should Be A New Ocean's Movie Every 18 Months

It is my position that there should be a new Ocean’s movie every 18 months. I understand there are practical limitations here, production schedules and the other gears that need to crank to make a movie happen, but I do not care. Do it anyway. Figure it out. Show me Danny Ocean and his friends robbing a different casino or art gallery owned by a different dipshit billionaire every 1.5 years like clockwork. Get it on a schedule: one in the early summer, the next one the following holiday season, then the summer after the next, then the holidays again, and so on. I really cannot stress in strong enough terms how much the logistics of making it happen do not matter to me. I'm just a guy. That is not my problem. My problem is that it’s not happening already. Fix it. 

I’ll go as high as 24 months if I have to, but only if we get it on a rotating staggered every-other-year schedule with another fun movie franchise, like maybe a Knives Out or The Nice Guys, the latter of which is not, technically, a franchise, considering there was only one movie released years ago that underperformed by every metric even though it absolutely ripped straight through, but again, not my problem. I’m a consumer and I want things. If I understand the free market correctly (I almost certainly do not), that should be enough. They make Sour Warhead flavored energy drinks now. That’s a product you can just buy at a store. I should be able to watch a new movie about charming people in tuxedos and ball gowns taking money and/or jewels from evil people in tuxedos and ball gowns every other summer and Christmas. It's only fair.

But Brian, George Clooney and Brad Pitt and Steven Soderbergh are very b-

You’re not hearing me. I said I want a new Ocean’s movie every 18 months. I did not say it has to continue starring Clooney and Pitt. I mean, preferably, yeah, we get the gang back together, but I’m not completely unreasonable. We can James Bond this sucker. Turn it over to a new director and cast every few years. Keep the wheels turning. These priceless works of art aren’t going to steal themselves. 

But it won't be as good without th-

No. It will be as good. Because whoever is making it with whoever starring in it will make it good. That's the rule.

But how will the quality remain h-

I do not care. Just do it.

Okay, what about like an Ocean’s Extended Universe, with prequels and multiple standalone films that explore each character’s traumatic and gritty backsto-

No. I do not want to know the deeply rooted psychological reasons why Danny Ocean likes to rob billionaires. I do not need to see a teen Danny Ocean robbing local businessmen and then winking at the camera. Do not extend this universe. Keep the universe tight.

Okay, but when you say switch the cast, do you mean w-

I do not care. Just make it work. Cast Harrison Ford as the bad guy. Do one with the Muppets. Let Tracy Morgan play Rusty. Cast Emma Stone as Dani Ocean and let her explore the character for a couple of movies if she wants.

Hmm. This sounds like it’s getting kind of woke n-

[bops you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper] Stop it. 

But I…

[points finger sternly] No. 

Sorry. 

I’m going to say it once again just so it’s perfectly clear: I do not care how this happens. I know the Bond movies had dozens of novels as source material to get them started. I know this would require a relentless grind of creation and production from an industry where that is getting weirder and harder all the time. None of that is my problem. There are lots of unemployed writers out there. Get them in the room and have them start typing. Get on the phone. Bribe people if you have to.

Again: I do not care. 

Give me my stories.

Make them good.

The 18-month clock starts ticking…

Now. 

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STUFF I CLICKED ON

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— this chat between Amy Poehler and Jennifer Lawrence could’ve been five hours long and I still would’ve been bummed when it ended

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— signed up for Sara Kate’s Bird Blog and it has been a pleasure to see in my inbox every day

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— the thing about me is that if I'm mindlessly scrolling and see something like this, I will stop and watch it 100 percent of the time

Okay, that's it for this week. Please share and subscribe and give me my fancy heist movies.