A Non-Viewer's Guide To John Oliver's Appearance On General Hospital

Fame has its perks. People are nicer to you in person. You can get good seats to almost any concert or sporting event. Sometimes you can get stuff for free that civilians have to pay through the nose for. You can also, it turns out, will yourself into a role on a daytime soap opera if you want. You can go right on your TV show and ask someone to cast you. You can say things like…

• "I am officially offering myself to you. Write me a role, and I'll be on your set so fast, it'll make your head spin."
• "I want to be a character. And I want his name to be ridiculous. Also, I want to do something juicy — like murder or slapping or being slapped or being someone's long-lost something — and, ideally, I'd like a dramatic close-up of my face."

… and, a few months later, you can be on television doing all of those things.

We know this for a fact because John Oliver just did exactly that. Earlier this year, he said all the words inside those bulleted quotation marks on an episode of Last Week Tonight. Now, he’s a recurring character on General Hospital named Z, a high-ranking and mysterious figure in the World Security Bureau who showed up on a helicopter and proceeded to sow chaos throughout Port Charles over a three-episode arc. Yes, I will post the videos. They are everything you’re picturing.

But first, two notes:

ONE: I do not watch, nor have I ever watched, General Hospital. That said, I do have a great and unironic respect for everything that a show like this does. Cranking out wild stories and putting them on television for an hour every weekday over a period of many decades is nothing to sneeze at, man. Reasonable arguments can be made that the cast and crew of these shows are the hardest-working people in Hollywood.

TWO: I want you to see what General Hospital executive producer Frank Valentini said to TV Insider about Oliver’s first scene on the show…

Valentini wanted Oliver’s character to make a memorable first impression. “Well, when the writers wrote Z’s entrance, they wrote it that he came in a big black town car,” he relays. “And I said, ‘No, no, no,’ and they said, ‘Why? What’s wrong with that?’ And I said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with that, but we’re going to take it up a notch because it’s John Oliver. We’re going to have Z enter in a helicopter.’ So, he made his entrance in a helicopter.”

Reader, he sure did.

Really just terrific work here by everyone, with the thumping music and ominous strutting and the casual no-look execution of a man reaching for a gun. A powerful introduction for a character we know very little about.

To that point, perhaps you saw earlier that his character is a member of something called the World Security Bureau. Perhaps you found yourself wondering what, exactly, that is, and what, if anything, it has to do with a hospital. Well, it is with great pleasure that I present this paragraph from the General Hospital wiki…

World Security Bureau, abbreviated as "WSB," is a government-backed spy agency operating on a global scale. It is funded by multiple nations and was established with the objective of preserving international peace and stability. Its primary rival is the DVX.

… and it is with even greater pleasure that I present these paragraphs about the WSB’s origin on the show almost 50 years ago, also from the General Hospital wiki, which I spent about an hour perusing the other night.

The WSB made its initial appearance on General Hospital in 1980 when agent Robert came to Port Charles on assignment in pursuit of the Ice Princess diamond. This diamond was associated with a formula capable of triggering worldwide disasters if it were to be misappropriated. Robert cautioned that its loss could lead to "cataclysmic global problems." During his investigation into the diamond's location, he was aided by WSB agent Brighton O'Reilly, an elderly woman who tragically lost her life after being fatally shot by Victor Cassadine on the docks.

Robert received assistance from Luke Spencer and Laura Webber as the three of them secretly boarded the Cassadine yacht bound for a tropical island, which served as the hideout of the deranged scientist Mikkos Cassadine. Mikkos aimed to harness the power of the Ice Princess formula to declare himself the "Supreme Commander of the World." During a confrontation with Luke, Mikkos met his demise after being accidentally confined in a secure area that had been previously frozen due to a security breach caused by a machine capable of freezing the entire planet through a method known as "carbonic snow." A global catastrophe was narrowly averted when, with Luke's help, the machine's security code was deciphered (password: "I-C-E-P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S"), thereby restoring sovereign autonomy to all nations on Earth.

Again: The hardest-working people in Hollywood. God bless all of them.

But anyway, with Z introduced and the tone set, it is time to get down to the real business at hand. Here is his second appearance on the show, from the next episode.

Okay, a few notes here, all important:

• It rules in ways I have trouble putting into words how deeply John Oliver commits in these scenes, just buying in completely and going Full Soap in a way he didn’t really have to
• The woman he is talking to in these clips — again, per that hour I spent on the wiki — is WSB agent Josslyn Jacks, “daughter of billionaire corporate raider Jasper Jacks and his ex-wife, Carly Spencer"
• Josslyn Jacks has a pretty incredible page on the wiki, which explains that the character has been on the show since her birth and has an extensive Crimes Committed section that has entries ranging from “hosted an underage drinking party“ to “shot Pascal Leveque’s henchman in the neck”

There’s also this passage, which I just enjoy for the simple and straightforward way the information is presented.

Josslyn harbors deep resentment toward mob boss Sonny Corinthos, her former stepfather, whom she once affectionately called "Uncle Sonny." Raised in his household during her mother Carly's four marriages to him, her feelings turned bitter after Sonny's infidelity led to their divorce.

Hmm. I suppose that’ll happen.

One last thing before we move to the third clip, which is one of the best things you’ll see on television this year: In that clip up there, Josslyn references someone named Cassius Faison. Cassius is the son of Cesar Faison, a man described in the wiki with adjectives like “devious” and “dastardly,” who was head of the WSB’s rival organization, DVX, all of which I mention only because it allows me to post this blockquote from the wiki page for that particular group.

Later that year, the DVX adopted a new primary objective: to destroy an early warning station at Mount Rushmore, thereby leaving the nation vulnerable to a nuclear strike. The operation was orchestrated by rogue agent, Elena Cosgrove Parsons, who used music and Morse code to manipulate Dusty Walker's mind. Elena conditioned Dusty to plant a bomb aboard a train near Mount Rushmore that would destroy the early warning station. However, thanks to the efforts of the WSB and Robert Scorpio, Sean Donely, Anna Devane, and Duke Lavery, the bomb did go off but failed to hit its main target. After Elena was killed during an escape attempt, Dusty blamed Robert for her death and subsequently left town.

For me, a person who, again, has never watched General Hospital and went into all of this assuming that the plot revolves around the day-to-day activities inside a hospital, generally, this is all very exciting. I suspect I’ll end up back on this wiki tonight. I still don’t think I’ll watch it, but that will in no way prevent my admiration from growing exponentially for everyone involved.

But back to Z, played by John Oliver, a man with a simple wish to get slapped on daytime television.

I have watched this scene maybe 15 times and it’s made me smile each time. Again, it’s the commitment that makes it. It’s something that his scene partner up there, the one delivering that wonderful slap, elaborated on in that TV Insider piece I linked to way back in the intro.

Laura Wright (Carly Spencer), who shares several scenes with Oliver, was equally impressed. In an exclusive clip for TV Insider, Wright praises her costar. “I have to say that I thought John was going to show up, and it was going to be a joke, and it was the exact opposite,” she says. “He showed up, he knew his lines, he was serious…. He didn’t make fun of us, and that’s something that a lot of people have done in the past, is make fun of daytime television, and I take a bit of an offense to that… He showed up with so much respect and excitement to be here and just crushed it.”

In conclusion:

• I love this for everyone, including, but not limited to, John Oliver, the cast and crew of the show, and me
• John Oliver is also set to make an appearance on Days of Our Lives later this year, which has a lot to live up to
• I believe in them

Amazing things are happening on television every day. You just need to know where to look.

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STUFF I CLICKED ON

— my House of the Dragon Scorecard for Vulture, which covers an episode where someone stole the gold and the rats ate the candles

— good hot dog blog from the people at Ravenous

— good soccer blog at Defector about the wild England-Mexico match from the weekend, which was as exciting as anything I’ve ever seen

— speaking of freaking thrilling soccer matches, shoutout to the team from Cape Verde, who showed up anonymous and returned home heroes

— the healing power of Jackass is a real thing that should be prescribed by doctors

— Luca Guadagnino’s movie about Sam Altman has a new home after Amazon dumped it like cowards 

— Seth Rogen has a funny story about Pharrell being mad at him

— Telemundo’s ratings are wayyyyy up thanks to the World Cup, which is cool

— more World Cup: guess if Colin Farrell cussed on live TV (he did)

— I still need to see The Furious

— the Pope is fed up

— we must find Pickles the rooster

— good headline: “Australian PM Apologizes for Choosing Kylie Minogue for Everything in Shag, Marry, Date”

— better headline (she's fine): “Whoopi Goldberg trapped in Italy amid volcano eruption”

— best headline: “Australian officials ask fans to respect privacy of Neil, 1000kg seal, who respects nothing”

— lol I'm not sure why Vin Diesel cut a World Cup promo basically in character as Dominic Toretto, but I sure am gonna post it

Okay, that's it for this week. Please share and subscribe and do not attempt to blow up Mount Rushmore.